Drunk Texting

    Everyone has been guilty of the drunk text at some point. With your inhibitions lowered, texting that hot guy in your history class to tell him, "I want yu and your sexyyyy lipsds ;)", sounds like an excellent idea. However, panic will surely ensue when you wake up thoroughly hungover and remember that ballsy move you made the night before. For a lot of people, drinking is somewhat like moonlighting at a sex hotline. Every text sent is rated xxx and then is completely regretted the next day. 

     Then there are the drunk texters who have one shot of Smirnoff Rasberry and can't type one word correctly. For this I mainly blame autocorrect. Stupid Iphones just haven't been updated enough to understand sloppy drunk fingers.

     I am personally not a terrible drunk texter, however, I am caught fully red handed on drunk dialing. I honestly think that this is much worse. When you send an embarrassing text or wake up with that awful gut feeling that you sent a shameful message the night before, you can check your phone to see exactly what you said. With a drunk dial, however, all you get is the call log. 17 outgoing calls to the guy you're obsessed with and at one point you talked for 23 minutes about God knows what. You have no idea how many times I've woken up and had an overwhelming feeling that I spilled, or slurred, my guts to a guy. 

     I don't have any good examples of embarrassing drunk sexts, however here are a few examples of just how shitty my friends can be at typing while intoxicated.

I meant to send this to my friend, Lucy, and ended up texting a guy I did a project with in one of my classes...

My friend texting an Australian guy from a bar.

Pine needle.

Trying to convince our friend not to take a nap in between day partying and night partying.

Good typers.

10 Unanswered Questions of Life

1. Gay-dar

Blue eyes?? Could he be anymore obvious?! Those gays are so damn flamboyant.

2. Use Protection

No stupid! Only if you got pregnant while you were in your moms belly. Everyone knows that.

3. MMM.. Fart!

There's no escaping the smell of years of farts from a woman who lives off of Taco Bell's bean and cheese burritos.

4. Toot it 'n Boot it

"I'm on a rotten garbage only diet to lose weight for you!!!!  You never appreciate me." 

5. Not Funny

Maybe you should contact the chair fart lady or rotten garbage butt?

6. 99 Problems

My thoughts exactly. Can a girl get some dialogue? It kinda feels like porn without it... 

7. How?!

And what about that hole underneath it's tail? Is that a third eye or something?

8. Damn Commies

Typical Georegian. Doesn't know that you need special goggles to see Rusian tanks. Dumb ass.

9. The Teen Mom Genius

Kids these days are so fancy. I just did it the old fashion way and made my rich, cool 17 year old a viagra and rufilin cocktail. 

10. Worse than getting coal

"Santa is so unforgiving. It's like one little shit stain and you're on the naughty list?? I forgot I wasn't wearing my diaper! People make mistakes..."

Facebook Relationships

    We all know that the whole purpose of Facebook is so you can stalk the shit out of people you've barely met. Ten years ago, if you asked a random acquaintance how their trip to the Bahamas was, they might immediately notify the police. Now, they'd just assume you'd seen their 500 vacation pictures and 30 statuses about the "best trip ever!!! :D". Well, Facebook relationships just take that creepiness to a whole new level. Ohh my god, did you see John and Cindy broke up?? I bet he dumped her because she looks like she's totally getting fat in her new pics! It's actually pretty sick how much joy we get from these Facebook updates, especially when the relationship ends. 

    The best part of all of this is that you can like and comment on the beginning and ending of someone's relationship. You no longer have to hold back your opinion on random peoples' personal lives. Ugh he was way too good for her anyways, I totally 'Like' that their two year relationship ended. Fresh meat on the market!! I remember when my ex boyfriend and I declared our relationship official on Facebook, it got fifty-something 'Likes'. People who had never even met him liked it. What makes you so sure you like this?? For all you know he could be an abusive alcoholic but you just need to give your opinion. Well, your uninformed Facebook 'Like' has convinced me to stick with the asshole. People really shouldn't go around giving love advice through Facebook 'Likes'. Not to mention the 27 comments that all say OMG!! no way gurl! why didn't you tell me bitch!??! we need to catch up! Um no, I didn't tell you this very personal detail of my life for a reason. Sorry that I don't go out of my way to inform you of every relationship update in my life, even though we haven't talked in 3 years. Just check my Facebook for that!

     My favorite part about Facebook relationships, however, is the relationship status options that they offer. They've taken it much, much farther than just 'single' or 'taken'. You can now be in a 'it's complicated' relationship or an 'open relationship' with someone. First of all, what the fuck does it's complicated even mean?? Like thank you people for giving me that little teaser, now I wanna know the drama! Not that anyone ever actually uses this relationship status. The only time I've ever seen it used is between two girls who find themselves absolutely hilarious and clever... because nobody has ever though of that one before. Imagine if someone seriously requested an 'it's complicated' relationship with you. We've hooked up three times but only when we're drunk, it's pretty complicated and I just want the world to know that I'm a slut. You wake up in the morning after a regrettable drunk hook-up to an 'it's complicated' relationship request from that person... talk about a nightmare. And the 'open relationship' status is just pointless. That's basically just saying you're friends with somebody... You could go so far as to say you're in an open relationship with everyone on your friends list. We have a relationship (aka we're friends) but we're not exclusive. Literally applies to every relationship. Also this relationship status just further confirms that you're a whore if you're willing to admit you don't mind sleeping around. 

    Another beauty of the Facebook relationship is that, not only can you be in all kinds of relationships, you can be in one with anyone who will accept! I've even seen a girl go steady with my school's library. Yes, that means you can finally date your cat. You can be married to your best friend. The possibilities are really endless with the Facebook relationship. 

The Idiots I Work With

    First of all, this is a little ballsy of me because I'm currently writing this while sitting at my desk at work. I work as a Financial Analyst Intern at an ECommerce company, so boring, I know. But there is definitely no shortage of fucking weirdos here, which at least keeps things interesting.
    The most annoying of the weirdos I work with is a recent graduate from North Los Angeles University, or something depressing like that. When he first arrived I was told to basically give him the low down on how everything works. He was so attentive and kept asking questions. At first I thought, wow, he's really interested in what I'm saying, maybe this bullshit I'm spitting actually sounds smart. But then I realized he was just a fucking freak. He literally wanted me to break down every little detail of how this company operates, as if I built this whole organization from the ground up. No sir, I am merely an intern who does about an hour of work per day and then goes on Tosh.0's blog and Facebook for the rest of the time. This guy was like the permanent question master. I felt like I was constantly being interviewed on every mundane detail of my life. Here's an example of a conversation we had:

Him: What color are your eyes?
Me: Green
Him: What color are your parents' eyes?
Me: My mom's are brown and my dad's are blue
Him: Where's your mom from originally?
Me: San Diego
Him: Where are her parents from? 
Me: Alaska and Texas


I kid you not, this is real.

Him: Are you smart?
Me: I guess?
Him: Like, do you get straight As?
Me: No, not always
Him: Like what was your GPA?
Me: umm.. 3.8 (hate talking about grades)
Him: Were you valedictorian in high school?
Me: No...
Him: Did you play any sports in Oakland?
Me: You mean like in high school?
Him: Yeah, for your school.
Me: Yeah, I played tennis.
Him: Were you good?
Me: Yeah I guess...
Him: Is tennis hard?
Me: Yeah it's frustrating at first
Him: Do you have to be tall to play?
Me: No (I'm 5'4"...)
Him: Does the ball just go on either side of you?
Me: No, sometimes people lob it over your head. (HUGE mistake, this led to about 400 more questions about how to play tennis)

As you can see, he just keeps going! I worked with him for two days and he asked me my GPA three times. The most annoying thing he asked though was one particular question. I normally get off work at 6pm but one time I left at 5:50pm. As soon as I stood up, his eyes lit up like it was Christmas morning and he said, "You're leaving early?!". Yeah, no shit I'm leaving early, I fucking hate my job. As I left, his eyes and condescending look followed me all the way out of the room. The next day, one of the other girls told me when I left he shook his head and said, "Can you believe her??". Oh sorry question master! Because I care so much about what you think and I just want you to like me and ask me questions all day... yeah fucking right...
Anyways, he only worked there for 2 weeks and then he disappeared. Either someone finally snapped and killed him or he was an interviewer sent from the future to get my life story and then bounce. Either way, he left at a perfect time because I was about two questions away from wringing his neck and I really don't need that on my record.

By the way here's a link to Tosh.0 or Daniel Tosh's blog. This is literally the only way I survive working full time. I would die to write jokes for him... or just to be his best friend.

Tosh.0 Blog
http://tosh.comedycentral.com/blog/

The Typical Drunk Girl

    Now to talk about something close to my heart; drinking. And even closer to my heart; the typical drunk girl. Everyone has been here before, and everyone has taken care of one before. Any girl that tries to say that she never gets full on white girl wasted is full of shit. Nothing is more obnoxious than a girl who acts like a bro and then behind closed doors pukes her brains out just like the girls she scoffs at. And nobody is so chill that they don't occasionally black out and cry over someone stealing their bowling game, or demand a hookup to call them Britney Spears during sex. It happens to the best of us. In fact, I would take a typical drunk girl over a dumb slut who thinks she's a frat guy any day. 

     A night as the drunkest girl at the party can start out many different ways. Most noted though (and also the least entertaining and the biggest buzz kill) is the girl who decides to have a ladies night right after breaking up with her boyfriend. She'll usually start out the night grinding on every guy in the bar and probably making out with any rando that will talk to her. Fuck it, I'm single right?! Being single is just about the best thing on earth to this girl until "We Found Love" by Rhianna comes on. Now this girl is drowning in tears of vodka, hugging the toilet, and drunk texting her ex. However, just because this girl has reason to cry doesn't mean that every drunk girl does. Get one cranberry vodka in some girls and the tears turn on like a faucet. I once had a friend that would convince herself that everyone hated her every time she drank. The thing about a crying drunk girl is once she starts, there is absolutely no consoling her or getting her to shut the fuck up. It got to the point that we would literally stick this girl in a room to cry, then shout, "Don't worry, we love you", to her every few minutes.
     Another typical drunk girl move is the drunk bond. It doesn't matter if you're merely in line together for the bathroom or you discover that you can both only take half shots. This random person is literally your best friend in the entire the world for that night. However, no matter how much you loved each other last night, drunk bonds usually end in a facebook friend request and a lot of forced enthusiasm while waving to each other on campus. I, of course, am no stranger to the drunk bond. You have no idea how many times someone I don't even recognize practically knows my social security number because of a drunk bonding sesh... black out problems. Once, my best friend and I were bored at a party that ended up being a total vag fest. Appropriate, because we went practically lesbian while drunk bonding with one guitar playing girl. We followed her around all night, begging her to play us songs and going on and on about how amazing she was. Moral of the story, you know you're sufficiently way too sober when you think it's weird that some random chick is telling you she loves you.
     Something else about blacked out bitches is that they all think that they're some sort of freaky combination of Beyonce and Jenna Jameson, AKA a bootylicious dancing queen and sex goddess. Whether it's dropping it low on the table at a frat house or moaning embarrassingly loud during mediocre drunk sex, every drunk girl thinks they're amazing at these two things. Not only do drunk girls think they're rockstars at sex and dancing, but they think they look great while doing it too. A girl may appear to be half falling over and struggling to stand while gyrating her behind, but in her mind, she's Shakira in the "She Wolf" video and every guy in the party is panting like a dog for those hips that don't lie. I guess you could say this version of the drunk girl is highly delusional but, in my opinion, it's better than crying to Adele's "Someone Like You" while your friends hold your hair back and your phone hostage.


If you need a visual of what this girl looks like, here's a video by my boy Jimmy Tatro:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f-l47gYI-tY

10 Annoying Types of Drivers

When I moved to Los Angeles for college, my insanity went out the window almost immediately. And when I say it went out the window, I mean it flew out the window of my car as I sped at 80mph down the 405. Now those of you from LA have probably already written me off as a liar because, when can you ever go that fast on the 405?! Trust me, when you're as crazed as I am, anything is possible. My 2001 Yellow Volkswagon Bug is on just about every LA driver's hit list at this point and that's fine with me because I think they all suck at driving. Every driver thinks to themselves, "Why can't everyone be as good at driving as I am?! Bunch of morons"... as they cut 10 cars off and nearly kill the entire carpool lane.
Well, after spending the equivalent to a good year of my life sitting in traffic, I've really learned a lot about different types of drivers. Here are a few examples:

1. The Mexican in the Old Pickup Truck


Okay this sounds totally racist, but there's always that one pickup truck, driven by a Mexican man, that is literally going 30mph on the freeway. Usually, the driver has a friend in the passenger seat with him as well, and they just appear to have absolutely no where to be. Not only are they driving obscenely slow, but they're usually in one of the middle lanes and are completely unaware of the continuous honks and and angry gestures. And don't worry, if you're a female and you happen to pull up next to them in stopped traffic, they WILL stare at you the whole time. You thought that their total lack of awareness ended with their terribly slow driving and apparent inability to hear honking? Nope, they lack social awareness as well. Nothing is more awkward than trying to pretend like you don't notice two Mexican men staring at you.

2. THE PRIUS


I used to think that Prii (yes that's the plural of Prius, I just googled it, don't you hate them??) just couldn't go that fast because they're so fuel efficient or whatever, but I have seen some Prii just haul ass, so it must be the drivers' fault. My impression of Prius drivers is that they think that since their car is saving the environment, they can do whatever they want. And apparently what every single Prius driver wants to do is go exactly 65mph in the fast lane. We get is Prius, you are better than us, your carbon-footprint is tiny and you follow every law to the tee, now get the fuck out of the way and let me speed home in my gas guzzling, eco-destroying car.

3. Taxis


I live really close to LAX, so dealing with taxis is an everyday struggle for me. Usually, they take their sweet ass time, probably trying to cheat some tourist out of more money. But then, all of the sudden one will cut you off out of nowhere, cursing at you in some Middle Eastern language. You can bet that if there is someone blocking an intersection or awkwardly way to far past the stopping line at a red light, it's a taxi man. And do not get me started on Prius Taxis, those were masterminded in hell, straight from satan's private office.

4. The Surprisingly Angry Soccer Mom


This isn't your typical suburban soccer mom driving her kids around in a beat up mini-van. This mom is a ticking time bomb, probably alone in a Range Rover. She starts out going pretty slow, but if you so much as merge in front of her, you better believe it's on like donkey kong. I don't know if it's the pent up anger she has towards her husband's mistress or one too many Bloody Marys at the tennis club that she's channeling, but that bitch is coming after you.

5. People in Mercedes and other Expensive Cars


These drivers are one of two extremes. Either they believe that since they have a big engine, they are therefor a certified race car driver. Or, they are so worried about hurting their precious baby that they stay about 50 yards behind the car in front of them at all times. The race car driver I actually have respect for, I consider myself on their team in the game of beating all the shitty drivers. I'm like the chubby kid that hangs out with the popular kids. No one would think I could hang, but I've got a great personality and terrible road rage.

6. 18 Wheelers


Honestly, I hate all trucks and I pretty much have a panic attack every time I pass one. However, what I hate the absolute most is 18 wheelers that think they have any business being in the fast lane, or in any lane besides the far right for that matter. I'm not above cutting people off (actually I do it all the time), but I think there's a special place in hell for truck drivers who think they can drive in the fast lane and I make sure that they know that. This means that I swerve in front of them, as close as I can possibly get, all the while honking and most likely flipping them off.

7. The Asian Driver


I know it's a stereotype and I know you all saw this one coming from 20 miles away but it's an absolutely true stereotype. Every time I see a horribly slow driver, every single time, I think to myself, "God this person is fucking cryptic. Are you too busy reading a hieroglyphic newspaper to see how fucking slow you're going?" (I swear a lot in my head while I'm driving). And then, as I'm angrily passing them, I glance over expecting to see an old man with a gross sun-spotted scalp and giant spectacles staring at the road like he's trying to read advanced organic chemistry, but instead, I see an asian woman who has absolutely no fucking clue that she's holding up 50 cars. I hate to be racist and everyone has their strong suits, but I'm sorry to say, you guys should stick to math, driving just isn't your thing.

8. The "Drunk Driver" Who Just Turns Out to be Father Time


A few times now, I've almost called the police because someone was swerving like they were milking their second fifth of Jack Daniels while driving. However, when I pass the car, I'm disappointed to see it's just the oldest fucking person on the face of the earth. This person clearly needs to get their license revoked, but how boring. Watching someone get a DUI is exponentially more entertaining than watching an old man try to battle his Alzheimer's and remember how to drive a car.


9. The Ego Driver


Everyone knows this driver or is this driver at some point. They're usually going a good 70-75mph in the fast lane. In fact, they might as well be in cruise control they're digging the pace they're going at so much. Then along comes a car that wants to go 80mph, no big deal. So the car tries to go around the ego driver, this is when the ego driver speeds up to 85mph. Then, the poor car that just wants to go faster, and probably get home to his sick mother or children he hasn't seen in 3 months, now has to fall back behind the ego driver who of course slows back down to 70mph. Another typical move is when the ego driver speeds up to 90mph to get in front of you. You think to yourself, whatever floats your boat Herbie Fully Loaded, but then they slow down to 70mph as soon as they're in front of you. Typical.


10. Me


Watch out.