Now to talk about something close to my heart; drinking. And even closer to my heart; the typical drunk girl. Everyone has been here before, and everyone has taken care of one before. Any girl that tries to say that she never gets full on white girl wasted is full of shit. Nothing is more obnoxious than a girl who acts like a bro and then behind closed doors pukes her brains out just like the girls she scoffs at. And nobody is so chill that they don't occasionally black out and cry over someone stealing their bowling game, or demand a hookup to call them Britney Spears during sex. It happens to the best of us. In fact, I would take a typical drunk girl over a dumb slut who thinks she's a frat guy any day.
A night as the drunkest girl at the party can start out many different ways. Most noted though (and also the least entertaining and the biggest buzz kill) is the girl who decides to have a ladies night right after breaking up with her boyfriend. She'll usually start out the night grinding on every guy in the bar and probably making out with any rando that will talk to her. Fuck it, I'm single right?! Being single is just about the best thing on earth to this girl until "We Found Love" by Rhianna comes on. Now this girl is drowning in tears of vodka, hugging the toilet, and drunk texting her ex. However, just because this girl has reason to cry doesn't mean that every drunk girl does. Get one cranberry vodka in some girls and the tears turn on like a faucet. I once had a friend that would convince herself that everyone hated her every time she drank. The thing about a crying drunk girl is once she starts, there is absolutely no consoling her or getting her to shut the fuck up. It got to the point that we would literally stick this girl in a room to cry, then shout, "Don't worry, we love you", to her every few minutes.Another typical drunk girl move is the drunk bond. It doesn't matter if you're merely in line together for the bathroom or you discover that you can both only take half shots. This random person is literally your best friend in the entire the world for that night. However, no matter how much you loved each other last night, drunk bonds usually end in a facebook friend request and a lot of forced enthusiasm while waving to each other on campus. I, of course, am no stranger to the drunk bond. You have no idea how many times someone I don't even recognize practically knows my social security number because of a drunk bonding sesh... black out problems. Once, my best friend and I were bored at a party that ended up being a total vag fest. Appropriate, because we went practically lesbian while drunk bonding with one guitar playing girl. We followed her around all night, begging her to play us songs and going on and on about how amazing she was. Moral of the story, you know you're sufficiently way too sober when you think it's weird that some random chick is telling you she loves you.
Something else about blacked out bitches is that they all think that they're some sort of freaky combination of Beyonce and Jenna Jameson, AKA a bootylicious dancing queen and sex goddess. Whether it's dropping it low on the table at a frat house or moaning embarrassingly loud during mediocre drunk sex, every drunk girl thinks they're amazing at these two things. Not only do drunk girls think they're rockstars at sex and dancing, but they think they look great while doing it too. A girl may appear to be half falling over and struggling to stand while gyrating her behind, but in her mind, she's Shakira in the "She Wolf" video and every guy in the party is panting like a dog for those hips that don't lie. I guess you could say this version of the drunk girl is highly delusional but, in my opinion, it's better than crying to Adele's "Someone Like You" while your friends hold your hair back and your phone hostage.
If you need a visual of what this girl looks like, here's a video by my boy Jimmy Tatro:
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