Facebook Relationships

    We all know that the whole purpose of Facebook is so you can stalk the shit out of people you've barely met. Ten years ago, if you asked a random acquaintance how their trip to the Bahamas was, they might immediately notify the police. Now, they'd just assume you'd seen their 500 vacation pictures and 30 statuses about the "best trip ever!!! :D". Well, Facebook relationships just take that creepiness to a whole new level. Ohh my god, did you see John and Cindy broke up?? I bet he dumped her because she looks like she's totally getting fat in her new pics! It's actually pretty sick how much joy we get from these Facebook updates, especially when the relationship ends. 

    The best part of all of this is that you can like and comment on the beginning and ending of someone's relationship. You no longer have to hold back your opinion on random peoples' personal lives. Ugh he was way too good for her anyways, I totally 'Like' that their two year relationship ended. Fresh meat on the market!! I remember when my ex boyfriend and I declared our relationship official on Facebook, it got fifty-something 'Likes'. People who had never even met him liked it. What makes you so sure you like this?? For all you know he could be an abusive alcoholic but you just need to give your opinion. Well, your uninformed Facebook 'Like' has convinced me to stick with the asshole. People really shouldn't go around giving love advice through Facebook 'Likes'. Not to mention the 27 comments that all say OMG!! no way gurl! why didn't you tell me bitch!??! we need to catch up! Um no, I didn't tell you this very personal detail of my life for a reason. Sorry that I don't go out of my way to inform you of every relationship update in my life, even though we haven't talked in 3 years. Just check my Facebook for that!

     My favorite part about Facebook relationships, however, is the relationship status options that they offer. They've taken it much, much farther than just 'single' or 'taken'. You can now be in a 'it's complicated' relationship or an 'open relationship' with someone. First of all, what the fuck does it's complicated even mean?? Like thank you people for giving me that little teaser, now I wanna know the drama! Not that anyone ever actually uses this relationship status. The only time I've ever seen it used is between two girls who find themselves absolutely hilarious and clever... because nobody has ever though of that one before. Imagine if someone seriously requested an 'it's complicated' relationship with you. We've hooked up three times but only when we're drunk, it's pretty complicated and I just want the world to know that I'm a slut. You wake up in the morning after a regrettable drunk hook-up to an 'it's complicated' relationship request from that person... talk about a nightmare. And the 'open relationship' status is just pointless. That's basically just saying you're friends with somebody... You could go so far as to say you're in an open relationship with everyone on your friends list. We have a relationship (aka we're friends) but we're not exclusive. Literally applies to every relationship. Also this relationship status just further confirms that you're a whore if you're willing to admit you don't mind sleeping around. 

    Another beauty of the Facebook relationship is that, not only can you be in all kinds of relationships, you can be in one with anyone who will accept! I've even seen a girl go steady with my school's library. Yes, that means you can finally date your cat. You can be married to your best friend. The possibilities are really endless with the Facebook relationship.